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Archive for the ‘Inflation; Christmas; Leo; Mo; Chas; Lee;’ Category

#G073* – WHAT EVER FLOATS YER BOAT!!

Posted by Greg Lance - Watkins (Greg_L-W) on 26/02/2009

#G073* – WHAT EVER FLOATS YER BOAT!!

Hi,

Fatty deposits don’t do much for me – I’ll still go with Khol!

But as a special treat for those more tactile males I hope this helps:

This reminded me with fond humour of a young lady in my life, of about 30+ years ago, Mo and I spent some time together in Africa, since when we have kept in touch desultorally, as I have with almost every serious past girlfriend who has been a part of my life at some time in the last 45 years.

Those I have lost touch with always leave a gap. After 25 years Lee is not phased by this one iota and we met Mo, who is happily married and living in Canada, BUT A LOT OLDER!! (I of course have remained young energetic and …. Well when it doesn’t hurt or scare me!).

Lee and I went to meet Mo for the firast time since 1974 or so – she was visiting her brother so having heard of him on and off for years I rather looked forward to meeting him.

We met in Marlborough for lunch on a drizzly British Sunday – years rolled away and since that time Chas and I have kept in touch as well.

At Christmas he mailed me this and since it amused me I feel I should share it 😉

As a joke, my brother-in-law Leo used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Leo’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a grubby trench coat and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Boots the Chemist or Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ “The batteries last ALL night!” “Does Health and Safety know about this?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Cunning eh?
Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry and hoped the RSPCA wasn’t watching.
I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination and desperation.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister Mo was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled and chortled for a couple of hours.
The next morning Leo called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked. Leo quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. Leo looked guilty.
‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued. ‘Mmmm, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Leo said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked girl by the fireplace?’ I told him she was Leo’s friend.
That widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows sharpish.
A few minutes later I noticed Granddad by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Granddad’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like Leo does in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, the dog hid under the sofa. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Leo fell back over his chair and wet his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

Mo sat there looking startled and bemused with her “What the f**k was that?” look.

The last time I saw that was when an Elephant touched her up in Mana Pools Zimbabwe, but that is another story.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in Leo’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to her right, now quite wrinkly, buttock. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health………….. I can’t wait until next Christmas I might get another and rent her out.
Early booking will be essential I think ?

I still feel happier with the khol but you may prefer the ring tones!

Regards,
Greg L-W.

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